Enmeshment and the pull of people-pleasing

I write about people pleasing patterns quite a bit, because it comes up repeatedly in coaching sessions and it's an area of interest.

Enmeshment and intertwining

This unquenchable thirst for validation often has its roots in childhood emotional mechanisms that served at the time to create a sense of psychological safety. The body/mind dynamic is pretty cool in its innocent attempts to preserve connection and keep the identity safe.

What we don't often see about these patterns of behaviour is that they can become unhealthy manifestations of a felt sense of lack, which often attracts dynamics that unconsciously perpetuate the cycle.

If that all sounds a bit like textbook psychobabble, allow me to expand.

Essentially, our desire for validation, to 'be seen' can be so pervasive that it aches for recognition but often can forfeit healthy boundaries and autonomy.

Simply put, we fuel a war within in order to keep an external perceived peace.

Except it's not peace at all, as the level of self erasure can be cataclysmic.

And the interesting thing about people pleasing tendencies are that they can present as virtuous predispositions. We feel like we are being kind and we like to help, but this easily bleeds into a desire to meet needs at all costs or even slip into rescuing others, by acting as their emotional scaffolding. If we are (painfully) honest, it can also become manipulative as we are so hyper vigilant about the possibility of conflict, we flounder around in attempts to be perpetually liked. Which is of course entirely impossible.

With gentle loving awareness and compassion we are invited to move towards these tendencies.

In relationships it might show up as enmeshment, which can look like a profound or intense connection, though our sense of self becomes entwined, as we are pulled (with a strong magnetism) towards those who may also have exiled parts of themselves - in a well-meant intention to find the closeness that might have eluded us perhaps in earlier chapters of our lives.

And so, what to do you might ask?

Well, the shift to centredness from out there on the periphery - where we have overlooked our own needs - begins with awareness. It's a gentle noticing of patterns. It's a return to the anchor within and the acknowledgement of our autonomy. No longer are we afraid of rocking the boat, or expressing differences of opinion because it's unsafe.

Instead we recognise the emotional cost of self-abandonment and we respectfully create boundaries and space to breathe. And the trajectory may not be linear. There's sure to be discomfort and some dysregulation, but ultimately we move from the question "Who do you want me to be?" to ask ourselves lovingly "How can I be more fully myself here?"